“Using the classic definition of idealism as ‘unfounded belief,’” said Professor De Haven, “we applied a number of diagnostic tools – linguistic, kinesic, lateral, mathematical, etc. – to determine a level of idealism for each candidate. First, of course, we had to set our parameters. There are no tools yet available for doing this, which meant that my team and I had to think them up, ourselves. After a 10-day retreat on the island of Saint Lucia, a consensus was reached to set the range from Josef Stalin to Jesus Christ. After one final tweak – unchecking the ‘belief in oneself’ box, which recent research shows can skew results – we ran our study.”
When we expressed our surprise at the study’s assessment of the strength of John Kasich’s idealism, Professor De Haven replied, “We were surprised, too. In fact, we were so surprised that we contacted the company who sold us our program, thinking we were faced with a serious glitch. A technician analyzed our computations. Evidently, we had discovered the existence of a hidden idealistic belief, unique to John Kasich, to which he adheres with far, far more strength than the other candidates adhere to any of their ideals.”
We asked Professor De Haven what the hidden ideal was.
“I thought you’d never ask,” said Professor De Haven. “A deep and thorough analysis of John Kasich’s campaign revealed that it is based on a strongly held (but not fanatical; the fanatical range begins with 90%) unfounded belief that the majority of delegates to the Republican National Convention will be sane. This belief is based on the principle – which, from now on, we will refer to as Kasichism – that there is a silent majority of Republicans who are sane, rational human beings and, therefore, that it is a statistical certainty that sanity and reason will prevail in Cleveland. Like many beliefs that rely on future events, it posits an apocalyptic alternative. Kasichists believe that if they do fail at the convention, sane Republicans will take to the streets, that Cleveland, 2016, will be like Chicago, 1968, and that John Kasich’s martyrdom will be as glorious as Eugene McCarthy’s.”
We were speechless.
“Mind you,” said Professor De Haven, “that’s not what I think. I’m just reading what it says on the screen.”
Drapers Guild Research Discovers Key to Republican Economics
A group of researchers, working under the sponsorship of the Drapers Guild Foundation, poring over five decades of economic figures – GDP, BOP, IIP, Trade Balance, etc. – have discovered, in the tiny amount of $2.21, the key to the irreconcilable differences between the Republican and Democratic views of the economy.
Facsimile of Republican National Committee Document:
Facsimile of Democratic National Committee Document:
By integrating shipping and handling (S&H) into their calculations, economists at last have unraveled the paradox of why deficits grow under Republican administrations, whose policy is to spend less, while deficits decrease under Democratic administrations, whose policy is to spend more.