Judge's remarks:
All of the stories submitted to the Sixth Contest, including the winning story, were either autobiographical in nature or relied on literary genres for stock characters and predictable plot lines.
Although the winning story, My Mind Is A Dark Place, has all the earmarks of just one more effusion of introspective autobiographical self-expression, its author, Bethany Bartrum, clearly made an effort to be creative in how she wrote it. My choice of My Mind Is A Dark Place as the winning story is in recognition of that effort.
~~~
All of the stories submitted to the Sixth Contest, including the winning story, were either autobiographical in nature or relied on literary genres for stock characters and predictable plot lines.
Although the winning story, My Mind Is A Dark Place, has all the earmarks of just one more effusion of introspective autobiographical self-expression, its author, Bethany Bartrum, clearly made an effort to be creative in how she wrote it. My choice of My Mind Is A Dark Place as the winning story is in recognition of that effort.
~~~
My Mind Is A Dark Place
by Bethany Bartrum
Getting dressed is hard.
It’s a decision to pursue another day.
Eventually, you do. You brush your teeth, stare at the girl in the mirror whose dark droops under her eyes say she can never get enough sleep. Pull on a jacket that you’ve been meaning to wash, but always seems to slip your mind.
My mind is a dark place. Where only the biggest and scariest thoughts can be seen. Everything else is easily lost in their shadows.
I get outside and lock the door behind me. Another decision; to leave my comfort place behind. I set off walking along the canal where “you’re so lucky to live here!”. I know it’s a beautiful day, but I can’t quite see the beauty under all the shadows.
A blurred shape is out of my focus, as everything is, moving towards me. A shape that I can’t seem to place in this dimension I’m in. Until I hear this tiny laugh. The most genuine, purest laugh that can only come from a child. Suddenly she’s clear, on the same path as I; as if that could possibly be true. Brown curls bounce with her stroller, eyes huge and hungry for the world. She laughs at her mother’s meaningless noises and grabs onto her bare toes that were covered by little socks once, twice, ten times this morning. We make eye contact and I smile –
she doesn’t laugh after that. Just stares back. Deeply.
It’s as if she knew not to trust my grin. Perhaps she’s smarter than that. Maybe she knows that my smile is driven from a vast amount of envy. From desperation. Maybe she looks into my eyes and knows that I want her life, that I long to be where she is. That I am disgustingly jealous of her freedom in a mother’s love. Maybe she sees the void behind my smile. I stop, break eye contact. Turn away and blink away the tears. Rip myself from the rope I feel pulling me deeper into the thought of being a child, blissfully unaware and happy.
I am me, I am here. I am me. I am her, I am he, I am h…
Walk on. Walk on. It’s dark here.
The path winds around the water for what seems like forever. It clings to it like a little brother does. Following its every step, right beside it; mimicking its moves exactly.
I find myself replaying conversations from weeks ago. I replay, rewind, slow down. Replay, replay. Unpick every possible negative connotation from every change in tone, facial expression, body movement. My brain works fast. My body does not. All my energy going into my rapidly spiralling mind. Neurons connecting faster than they should. Keep up, keep up.
Catch your breath - you only have a second.
My mind is a dark place.
Like on a high intensity rollercoaster, the kind with warnings of danger, ‘Possible heart attack’. I spin and spin and rise and fall in darkness. Loop, loop, corkscrew. Rise! fall… Fall… FALL. Then again backwards
Catch your breath – you only have a second.
I’m here. I’m here. Am I?
I’m
Walking along this never-ending path, always.
My mind is a dark place.
You look down at the time and know you have to pick up the pace. You can’t be late again. But your feet feel heavy. They drag you through the leaves slow sloww slowww.
Look to the right.
It’s the upside-down world you fell in love with. Perfectly still, under a glass floor. The tree’s branches are bare. But the leaves have fallen on this side too, and they rest on the glass, covering them, like a parent covers their child who couldn’t wait until home to pee.
Keep dragging yourself along that path. You know it’s quiet out, but you still can’t hear the birds singing.
My mind is a dark place.
And the monsters there don’t have time for birdsongs. Your chest feels empty. The air feels thin. You keep on dragging forward.
The light, in the sky, it flickers on-off. On-off. It dims and dims, until I’m engulfed. Consumed by the monsters that come out in the dark. They creep, crawl out of their hiding spaces and I feel them. I feel them now.
Because they’re all around me, all around me…
SURRENDER! SURRENDER!
On-off. On-off.
But the sun is in the sky for the people passing by. It’s a bright day, remember? Remember the birds that sing. The swans that pass by, angelic and calm. Remember the collie that trots past you, so content and satisfied by his stick. Try to focus on those elements real close, I say. For a moment I hear that noise I always loved, the crashing of water gliding down the lock. It sooths me, Like cooling lotion on a burn. For just a moment, before the burn seeps through.
Now, pull your shell up off the floor, and look at this beautiful world he made for you. He made YOU for it. Ungrateful.
I do try, I’m trying as hard as I can to pull my empty shell along that ‘bright’ path with me. But, there’s not that much left of me without it.
I’m weak now and I’m c r u m b l i n g.
You try to count, control your breathing. One… two… But the monsters are SCREAMING now. Screaming and screaming. A bike almost knocks you off your heavy feet. Didn’t hear his bell again.
Time doesn’t wait for you to catch your breath. You must get to work. Besides, “It’s all in your head, you have to decide to be happy!” I want to decide. I want happiness.
But my mind is a dark place. I’m reaching for a button that reads ‘Happy’. But I can’t see, and I stumble. I feel a monster shove me to the side and cackle. I land flat on a button. But this one doesn’t say happy.
My heavy feet flop to the right and I wobble at the edge of the path. I just about catch my balance.
But this side is a dark place. And I let myself fall. Fall to the calm upside-down world. Fall through the shattering glass.
I know it’s cold, but I don’t feel it.
I know it’s loud, but I don’t hear it.
I know the trees down here are bare, but I don’t see them.
I know the air is peaceful now, but I don’t breathe it.
“Jessie? Jessie love can you hear me?”
I open my eyes to a bright white place, gleaming. It isn’t the upside-down world… I rub my eyes and catch my nose on a wire, trailing from the back of my hand. It tugs a little, and the pain feels strange. It grounds me, brings me into the room and I feel sick.
“Don’t try to move love, you’re safe. You’ve been very lucky little lady. I’ve seen cases like this before, other kids in lakes and such and they haven’t been as fortunate. Terrible it is. So much life ahead of ‘em.”
My stomach drops.
“I’m gunna go get you some water love, you hold tight.” Says the monster, her claws grazing my arm as she slips out of the room.
My eyes are blurry, and I hear heavy breathing, is it my own? There’s beeping of machines in the background and I hear a faint siren. Suddenly my chest feels very tight. I grab at it, grab grab GRAB! There’s a wet feeling on my fingers now. Look down at them, it’s blood. The monsters back, she drops the glass on the floor, and it shatters into pieces. It feels like my eardrums shatter with it. I can’t hear anymore, just a high pitch squeal and I’m breathless. I’m so breathless in thistightroomIhaveto GET OUT. There are 3 monsters now, wearing white and they’re angry and fast. Normally monsters are in the shadows, but this room is so painfully bright. They’re adapting, they aren’t afraid and they’re going to get me. I use the tiny fragments of oxygen I can gather to run. But they’re blocking the door and the room is small the room is small and they’re almost on me I have to -
I’m free, as I break
through the glass; maybe this time it will save me.
…..
My legs CR-A-CK underneath me… A noise that haunts me.
I open my eyes and I’m panting; tears moisten my cheek. I feel his hand on my back, softly moving up and down. The hallway light is on and door open halfway. The light irritates my eyes but, I have enough darkness… He pulls me in closer to him until my head is in his chest. Slowly, my rapid breaths of panic are decreasing. My breathing is rhythmic again. He cracked the code. He knows this is exactly what I need when my dreams get too crowded and bitter, poisoned by my past. My eye lids rest easier now, and I drift soundly into his chest.
When I wake in the morning, I lay there for a moment staring at the ceiling. Peter’s at work, and my hand rests in his side of the bed. As my mind begins to spin with thoughts smothered in thought, another moment passes, another, another. I feel my motivation drifting as the sadness grows. I try to snap out of it, flick my feet up off the bed and stand up.
But my feet feel heavy, as does my head.
Getting ready is hard.
Then I notice, on my bedside table, my perfect remedy. Jeans and a shirt, underwear and socks.
All neatly folded and topped with a note that reads “You got this!”
I can’t run from my monsters. As long as there’s darkness, they’re going to be there. The darkness is always going to be with me, I know that… But that’s okay, I think. I’m okay.
I just needed enough light, just a pinch, to stop me from falling.
by Bethany Bartrum
Getting dressed is hard.
It’s a decision to pursue another day.
Eventually, you do. You brush your teeth, stare at the girl in the mirror whose dark droops under her eyes say she can never get enough sleep. Pull on a jacket that you’ve been meaning to wash, but always seems to slip your mind.
My mind is a dark place. Where only the biggest and scariest thoughts can be seen. Everything else is easily lost in their shadows.
I get outside and lock the door behind me. Another decision; to leave my comfort place behind. I set off walking along the canal where “you’re so lucky to live here!”. I know it’s a beautiful day, but I can’t quite see the beauty under all the shadows.
A blurred shape is out of my focus, as everything is, moving towards me. A shape that I can’t seem to place in this dimension I’m in. Until I hear this tiny laugh. The most genuine, purest laugh that can only come from a child. Suddenly she’s clear, on the same path as I; as if that could possibly be true. Brown curls bounce with her stroller, eyes huge and hungry for the world. She laughs at her mother’s meaningless noises and grabs onto her bare toes that were covered by little socks once, twice, ten times this morning. We make eye contact and I smile –
she doesn’t laugh after that. Just stares back. Deeply.
It’s as if she knew not to trust my grin. Perhaps she’s smarter than that. Maybe she knows that my smile is driven from a vast amount of envy. From desperation. Maybe she looks into my eyes and knows that I want her life, that I long to be where she is. That I am disgustingly jealous of her freedom in a mother’s love. Maybe she sees the void behind my smile. I stop, break eye contact. Turn away and blink away the tears. Rip myself from the rope I feel pulling me deeper into the thought of being a child, blissfully unaware and happy.
I am me, I am here. I am me. I am her, I am he, I am h…
Walk on. Walk on. It’s dark here.
The path winds around the water for what seems like forever. It clings to it like a little brother does. Following its every step, right beside it; mimicking its moves exactly.
I find myself replaying conversations from weeks ago. I replay, rewind, slow down. Replay, replay. Unpick every possible negative connotation from every change in tone, facial expression, body movement. My brain works fast. My body does not. All my energy going into my rapidly spiralling mind. Neurons connecting faster than they should. Keep up, keep up.
Catch your breath - you only have a second.
My mind is a dark place.
Like on a high intensity rollercoaster, the kind with warnings of danger, ‘Possible heart attack’. I spin and spin and rise and fall in darkness. Loop, loop, corkscrew. Rise! fall… Fall… FALL. Then again backwards
Catch your breath – you only have a second.
I’m here. I’m here. Am I?
I’m
Walking along this never-ending path, always.
My mind is a dark place.
You look down at the time and know you have to pick up the pace. You can’t be late again. But your feet feel heavy. They drag you through the leaves slow sloww slowww.
Look to the right.
It’s the upside-down world you fell in love with. Perfectly still, under a glass floor. The tree’s branches are bare. But the leaves have fallen on this side too, and they rest on the glass, covering them, like a parent covers their child who couldn’t wait until home to pee.
Keep dragging yourself along that path. You know it’s quiet out, but you still can’t hear the birds singing.
My mind is a dark place.
And the monsters there don’t have time for birdsongs. Your chest feels empty. The air feels thin. You keep on dragging forward.
The light, in the sky, it flickers on-off. On-off. It dims and dims, until I’m engulfed. Consumed by the monsters that come out in the dark. They creep, crawl out of their hiding spaces and I feel them. I feel them now.
Because they’re all around me, all around me…
SURRENDER! SURRENDER!
On-off. On-off.
But the sun is in the sky for the people passing by. It’s a bright day, remember? Remember the birds that sing. The swans that pass by, angelic and calm. Remember the collie that trots past you, so content and satisfied by his stick. Try to focus on those elements real close, I say. For a moment I hear that noise I always loved, the crashing of water gliding down the lock. It sooths me, Like cooling lotion on a burn. For just a moment, before the burn seeps through.
Now, pull your shell up off the floor, and look at this beautiful world he made for you. He made YOU for it. Ungrateful.
I do try, I’m trying as hard as I can to pull my empty shell along that ‘bright’ path with me. But, there’s not that much left of me without it.
I’m weak now and I’m c r u m b l i n g.
You try to count, control your breathing. One… two… But the monsters are SCREAMING now. Screaming and screaming. A bike almost knocks you off your heavy feet. Didn’t hear his bell again.
Time doesn’t wait for you to catch your breath. You must get to work. Besides, “It’s all in your head, you have to decide to be happy!” I want to decide. I want happiness.
But my mind is a dark place. I’m reaching for a button that reads ‘Happy’. But I can’t see, and I stumble. I feel a monster shove me to the side and cackle. I land flat on a button. But this one doesn’t say happy.
My heavy feet flop to the right and I wobble at the edge of the path. I just about catch my balance.
But this side is a dark place. And I let myself fall. Fall to the calm upside-down world. Fall through the shattering glass.
I know it’s cold, but I don’t feel it.
I know it’s loud, but I don’t hear it.
I know the trees down here are bare, but I don’t see them.
I know the air is peaceful now, but I don’t breathe it.
“Jessie? Jessie love can you hear me?”
I open my eyes to a bright white place, gleaming. It isn’t the upside-down world… I rub my eyes and catch my nose on a wire, trailing from the back of my hand. It tugs a little, and the pain feels strange. It grounds me, brings me into the room and I feel sick.
“Don’t try to move love, you’re safe. You’ve been very lucky little lady. I’ve seen cases like this before, other kids in lakes and such and they haven’t been as fortunate. Terrible it is. So much life ahead of ‘em.”
My stomach drops.
“I’m gunna go get you some water love, you hold tight.” Says the monster, her claws grazing my arm as she slips out of the room.
My eyes are blurry, and I hear heavy breathing, is it my own? There’s beeping of machines in the background and I hear a faint siren. Suddenly my chest feels very tight. I grab at it, grab grab GRAB! There’s a wet feeling on my fingers now. Look down at them, it’s blood. The monsters back, she drops the glass on the floor, and it shatters into pieces. It feels like my eardrums shatter with it. I can’t hear anymore, just a high pitch squeal and I’m breathless. I’m so breathless in thistightroomIhaveto GET OUT. There are 3 monsters now, wearing white and they’re angry and fast. Normally monsters are in the shadows, but this room is so painfully bright. They’re adapting, they aren’t afraid and they’re going to get me. I use the tiny fragments of oxygen I can gather to run. But they’re blocking the door and the room is small the room is small and they’re almost on me I have to -
I’m free, as I break
through the glass; maybe this time it will save me.
…..
My legs CR-A-CK underneath me… A noise that haunts me.
I open my eyes and I’m panting; tears moisten my cheek. I feel his hand on my back, softly moving up and down. The hallway light is on and door open halfway. The light irritates my eyes but, I have enough darkness… He pulls me in closer to him until my head is in his chest. Slowly, my rapid breaths of panic are decreasing. My breathing is rhythmic again. He cracked the code. He knows this is exactly what I need when my dreams get too crowded and bitter, poisoned by my past. My eye lids rest easier now, and I drift soundly into his chest.
When I wake in the morning, I lay there for a moment staring at the ceiling. Peter’s at work, and my hand rests in his side of the bed. As my mind begins to spin with thoughts smothered in thought, another moment passes, another, another. I feel my motivation drifting as the sadness grows. I try to snap out of it, flick my feet up off the bed and stand up.
But my feet feel heavy, as does my head.
Getting ready is hard.
Then I notice, on my bedside table, my perfect remedy. Jeans and a shirt, underwear and socks.
All neatly folded and topped with a note that reads “You got this!”
I can’t run from my monsters. As long as there’s darkness, they’re going to be there. The darkness is always going to be with me, I know that… But that’s okay, I think. I’m okay.
I just needed enough light, just a pinch, to stop me from falling.